thank God for cookies

Typically I thrive under pressure and am highly motivated by outside factors. Deadlines, important dates, bragging rights....that was always my thing. I'm learning, though, that being motivated for reasons other than yourself are likely to disappoint. It's so easy to be soaring high and plugging along, excited for a goal, and then have the rug completely pulled out from under your feet by someone else's behaviors. Times like these, you have to pick YOURSELF up and go at it again...this time, with a different motivation in mind. Be motivated for yourself. I'm not saying be selfish...more like self-reliant. Don't wait for someone else to inspire you. Don't wait for someone else to pat you on the back. Chances are, it won't happen. People will disappoint. Kind acts will go unnoticed. Nit-pickers with pick. Hard work will be overlooked. There will be bumps in the road, let downs, set backs, and bad memories. Don't use those as excuses to quit. Do it for yourself. Do it because you know it's the right thing to do. And in matters close to your heart, stand strong. In matters of principle, do not waiver.

It's been an odd few days. Not challenging, not even bad, really. Unfortunately, the office suffered a tragic loss several days ago. There have been awkward moments around the hallways and visible pain in some co-workers' eyes. I'm a pretty de-sensitized person and forget that some people actually feel loss and pain and tragedy. I'm the worst person to talk to when bad things happen, because I never know quite what to say. I've always been best at keeping quiet and saving face, regardless of what's going on under the surface.... Which leads me to odd-stars-are-aligning occurrence #2 .... A random encounter with my mother. I shouldn't even qualify it as an encounter, I suppose. But I saw her, she may have seen me...who knows. Someone told me later "She just didn't see you. There's no way she didn't recognize you. What mother wouldn't recognize her own child in a Chipotle!?" Mine wouldn't. My mother hasn't seen my face for almost ten years. After seeing her on Monday, I'm still furious and wanting to punch anything and everything right in the face. Not a healthy response, I know, but it's mine and I'll accept that. The fury comes from the scars I know she left, and the way I watched our family get torn apart. She is the reason I trust no one. She is the reason I fear becoming a mother more than anything else in this world. She is the reason I hate being a female, because it's just one more thing to have in common with her. I hate that we share the same gene pool, because any part of me being associated with any part of what she's done makes my skin crawl.  Not too long ago, my Dad said "Someday, we won't hurt so much and you'll be able to do things like watch old family videos or make scrapbooks." Apparently that day hasn't come yet, because I'm still pretty pissed.

Tonight I've decided to move beyond anger, distrust, disappointment, loss, and frustration. Tonight I improved my little corner of the world the only way I know how....
I went for a run and then I baked.


Anyone ever seen "Stranger Than Fiction" with Will Ferrell? There's a monologue at the end of the movie that speaks perfectly for days like these......

"As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true."

....not Bavarian sugar, but Oatmeal Chocolate Chip
(which is kind of my signature cookie)