You'd bleed just to know you're alive

Something about having your tailbone shoved up into your throat serves as a bit of a wake up call......What the heck am I doing? In all respects of the question...A) What am I doing on the side of this mountain with my feet strapped to this stupid board? 2) What on earth am I doing with myself lately? Why is this challenge such a shock to my brain? Has it really been that long since I pushed myself? One of my all time favorite songs, Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls has a line that says "You can't fight the tears that ain't coming, Or the moment of truth in your lies, When everything feels like the movies, Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive."

Several years ago, I had given up derby during a time in my life when everything just plain sucked and I shoved things off my plate as fast as I could, hoping for some sort of clarity. As life started to settle back down, I headed to a pick up derby practice on a Sunday night.  That night, I fell backwards and literally felt my spinal column jam together and my tailbone felt like it shattered into a million pieces. These same thoughts went through my head. 

It's so easy to float through life emotionless, half-dead, and completely numb and unchallenged. But God doesn't want us to do that. Why would any God create life to do just that? No no. We were meant for so much more. So He gives us wake up calls. I'm sure for others these wake up calls have come in various forms. For me, apparently, God knows He has to stop me with a physical fall. Until then, I don't even realize that I need to pick myself up. 

Last night, I laid in bed at our hotel room trying to fall back asleep for three and a half hours. Sleep has never been a challenge for me. I exhaust my body and brain enough each day that I sleep restfully and typically uninterrupted, and if so, I fall right back asleep when the quiet returns. If I get contaminated with wheat or gluten, I have a restless night but I have NEVER been awake in bed for three and a half hours. (I know insomniacs loathe me right now.) 1:08 turned into 2:15 and then into 3:00 am. I laid there, uncomfortable, my mind spinning, and only wanting to be home so I could get up and at least get something done with this time. I finally decided I'd use the time to do some chatting with the Lord. (gee what a concept!) And as my brain tumbled and stumbled and raced and spun, I realized I've been living without intention.

If we all look back at times in our lives where we've felt accomplished, full of life, and as if we are on the right path; chances are we were living with a specific, determined intention during those times. We had a goal in mind that our hearts were set on and we were taking our baby steps towards achieving it. Am I right? 

When I purchased my home, I determined that it would be my sanctuary. No matter what was going on in the world, I wanted my home to be my safe place. It used to be. Lately, we've let outside factors screw up the sanctuary. It is no longer a safe haven, but is a stress factor. One more bill to pay, one more chore to be done. Last night, all I wanted was to be home...but for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to be home so I could tend to things. I didn't miss any comforts of being in my sanctuary. I just wanted to be using that time efficiently. I don't long to be here for my sanity,  I just live here. wth?

Well tomorrow is a new day, my friends. A new day when we all get the chance to rededicate ourselves to our intentions. Let's take advantage of it. Create your sanctuary, and then push the limits in all other spaces. Challenge yourselves. Give yourself a chance to fall from time to time. Playing in the shallow water means never leaving the shore. Living in your comfort zone means never growing or learning from discomfort. Let's get uncomfortable, and let's no longer need to bleed before we remember we're alive.